The Smart Phone Epidemic: How Parents can Support Their Children in a Society Ruled by Technology

Snapchat. TikTok. Video calls at all hours of the day; it's no wonder why research shows that youth mental health is on the decline. Psychological distress is on the rise, as are concerning statistics regarding self-harm and suicidal ideation. A study conducted with over 10,000 youth between the ages of 12-18 revealed these alarming truths. You can read more about the study as reported by CBC here.

The Effects of Tech

Kids and teens today have their smart phone glued to their hand, and parents are struggling with how to moderate the insidious bond between child and technology.

Parents are navigating the uncomfortable space between a rock and a hard place, only, they're doing it blindfolded, because it's never been done before. Setting healthy boundaries with devices might mean that your child is more isolated from their peers, while unmonitored use can have detrimental effects on their overall health and wellbeing. How do we find balance in this universal addiction? Most parents even notice a shift in their child's emotional and behavioural state after being on a device, this shift being somewhere along the lines of a decrease in positive mood and an increase in irritability.

Gaming

Even if we tease apart smart phones and social media from video games, parents still notice heightened levels of anxiety, aggression, and self-esteem concerns after children spend time on gaming systems. Many kids can feel frustrated while playing video games and may engage in perfectionistic tendencies or even self-harm behaviours as a direct result of their perception of their success (or lack there of) in the game. In addition to this, many children believe that making it to a new level in their favourite video game is an achievement, which, yes, it is and their focus and dedication toward a goal is important; and, there are many wonderful, high paying jobs in computer sciences and technology. However, there are also many other ways to feel successful and to apply oneself in life to attain desired outcomes and achievements.

Online Friends

It's a double edged sword. How beautiful it is that kids and teens who may not click with anyone in their social environment at school can have access to a whole other world of people and can develop sustainable, long-distance relationships with peers around the world? Parents ask, does this give the illusion of connection? Or, is this a true and meaningful connection for my child? We are in the day and age where becoming close friends with a stranger that you met online is the norm, not the anomaly. Not long ago was this frowned upon, a major faux pas, and now it's the standard.

Social and Emotional Wellbeing

So, what are the payoffs? Well, humans have a strong aversion to pain. Many times, our emotions can be a huge source of our pain. While emotions, if you truly allow yourself a moment to feel them and process them, are powerful and strong, but fleeting and only last about a matter of seconds, our socio-cultural norms are built on the principles of ignore, distract, escape, and avoid emotions at all costs.

We detest discomfort, we struggle to manage our distress. Isolation and withdraw from social situations can sometimes feel easier in the short-term; turning to our phones in the waiting room before an appointment, or to ease anxiety when feeling awkward at a party or gathering, feeding our own inner saboteur and stories of why we aren't good enough; the modern day version of keeping up with the Joneses. Online shopping, show boating, or just plain old wasting time and energy by scrolling. We turn to our phones as a painkiller in the same way that acetaminophen compliments a headache.

Phones have become a crutch, a substance that we and our children are dependent on, rather than a tool to uplift our already magnificent sense of being, kids and teens identify with their device, they carve out who they are as a person surrounding their online life and display of self. They identify with Snapchat and the pictures that they send a receive in their friendships, they fall asleep on a video call with a friend as their security blanket. This has become a way of living, this is part of who they believe that they are, their connection, their safety and security, their fun, their emotional expression.

Technology Addiction

We need some other skills.

We are perpetuating loneliness rather than freedom and autonomy. We've traded in meaningful, deep trusting friendships for quick hits of dopamine and a never-ending façade.

Please keep in mind here, that there is no blame for this. Everyone is trying their best, and parents needs to be empowered with support, knowledge, and resources. No one could have anticipated how quickly we all became absorbed into the digital world. I say we because as much as parents would like to blame their kids for being addicted, who's the supplier? We model the behaviour of being tethered to our phones, and we must take some responsibility for it. Not all responsibility, because it is a socio-cultural epidemic, but some.

Already, my 5 month old has been on video calls with family and friends and observes me while I answer my emails and texts, and watches as I scroll through Spotify to find a good playlist for the Jolly Jumper. She sees her primary caregivers using a device on a day-to-day basis, that means the phone must be important, right? I take full responsibility for this, and it's also about balance, she also sees me come home from work some days at 3:00PM and not even be in the same room as my phone until the next day at 10:00AM. Balance. The human body and nervous system require homeostasis in order to regulate, so, practicing moderation is key.

The Scary Truth

It's no wonder why research shows that youth mental health is on the decline. Psychological distress is on the rise, as are concerning statistics regarding self-harm and suicidal ideation. Disconnect from self, family, peers, nature. Disconnect from emotions.

We are in the process of creating an emotionally illiterate, right-brain deficient, creative lackluster society. A collective that fears their own feelings and will avoid, distract, and escape emotional vulnerability at all costs.

Kids are receiving a ton of information and know so much, with all of these "educational" TikTok videos, YouTube videos, shorts, and reels, they are taking in so much information logically, activating the left side of the brain. But to actually comprehend, experience, process, and digest this information on a cellular level, to consider how actions impact others, and develop empathy and compassion, we must have access to our own self-awareness.

Declining Youth Mental Wellness

Could the rise in self-harm behaviours and suicidal ideation be linked to smart phone, technology, device, social media, gaming use? With a decrease in connection to the real world, this upcoming generation of children feel a sense of purposelessness and meaninglessness. The belief of "I'm not enough" runs rampant and fosters feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of inadequacy abolish any remnants of self-esteem. Humans have a strong internal drive for connection, contribution, and generosity. We want to give. We want to matter in this finite lifetime. It is innate. Children feel this emptiness when they are unable to access their creative gifts and strengths and instead spend hours consumed with comparison.

Without self-esteem, we fall victim to life's circumstances and allow life's circumstances to become our life's sentence. We begin to believe that we are our trauma, we are our diagnosis, label, shortcomings, and hardships. Our children believe this. Low self-esteem is when you create an identity that is "less than" and live out your limiting beliefs.

Kids and teens with low self-esteem often fall into two categories within their friend group (of course there are different ways of relating to others, but often times kids fall into these binary categories). They might identify as person A who does all of the venting and projects their emotions onto their peers, or, they might be person B, the listener or caregiver who takes on their peers problems. Both of which can lead to a vicious cycle of friendship drama, relationship difficulties, lack of healthy boundaries, burnout, fatigue, and depressive symptoms.

How to Move Forward and Support Your Kids & Teens

We have to build them up. Build up their foundation, their self-worth, confidence, resources, support system. We must model emotional regulation and empower healthy boundaries and assertiveness. Most of all, we must put down our devices in order to truly be present parents, available parents, parents who are attuned to the needs of our young. Reminding ourselves that just because they know a lot of stuff logically, does not mean that they have the necessary emotional regulation skills and self-awareness to be independent in this world. Reminding ourselves that their brains are still developing and growing until age 25 (and then some). In the book The Nurture Revolution, Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum (neuroscientist, doula, and mother), explains that we are the emotional brain for our children, we are, in a sense, their brain to help them learn to regulate their internal world and relate to their external world. That being said, we need to feel empowered to be present, not striving for perfection, but presence and patience.

How do we build them up?

1) Love & Connection

All that children want is your attention, patience, connection, and belief in their skills and abilities. This might be different at every age and stage and of course changes based on individual needs. While a teenager might not necessarily want to spend time with their parents, they do tend to feel validated when their parents show that they trust them to take on some independent roles and responsibilities such as going to the mall with friends, taking the city bus, or ordering take out on their own when friends come over. The ways in which you demonstrate your care and presence will be unique for each individual child and family.

For some kids, they need your affection and may ask for it, or perhaps they've stopped asking for it from you because you've told them that it's "too much" but you find that they stick close by you or follow you around the house when you're going about your daily tasks, they might just be waiting around for a hug or for some acknowledgement. Remember, you are their emotional and nervous system brain, you help to regulate their system. You must attune to whatever it is that they need.

Why this is important is because kids are turning to technology to calm their dysregulated nervous systems. Parents play an important role in fostering love, connection, safety, and security.

2) Confidence & Self-Worth

It's also important that kids and teens feel that there is something that they are good at, that they can work towards, master, and excel in. It doesn't have to be an expensive sport that requires weekly travel; it can be an extracurricular at school, training the family dog, working a part-time job, cooking meals at home, academics, art, athletics. There has to be something greater that they are involved in outside of scrolling. Something that helps to build their self-esteem, awareness, resiliency, and allows for creative expression.

In Conclusion

It's not all-or-nothing as in your kid either has a phone or they don't. We have to stop managing our lives in such an extreme manner. There is always a grey area, always a range of options. We can teach responsibility, teach moderation, teach prioritization. And most importantly, we must teach by example. It's not that the smart phone, social media, and technology epidemic is the only factor contributing to the decline in mental wellness of youth these days, of course there will always be stressors in life; however, it is evident that we as a collective need to make more of an effort to support the next generation in navigating the prevalent use of technology while juggling their own wants, needs, desires, relationships, values, and goals.